as i was browsing through my facebook history, i couldn't help but smile and feel light-hearted. i never knew i was that positive. what happened? did something happen between then and now that made me so pessimistic? i was in a glorioulsy blissful state back then, not minding what people say, enjoying everything life offered me, looking at the beauty of things that surround me. the big question is, what happened?

as far as i can remember, i used to be that kind of person who sees life as it is and takes everything in front of me without defiance and half-full. the lovely, strong girl who used to be me was so dedicated with serving her life to the best of her determination. i looked so happy. i looked so happy doing all of those. i looked so carefree. and whenever i look at my old me, i feel this lightness inside me which cannot be given by anyone who tries to offer me the best of their advices and comfort when im down. it's funny things are that way. so it only means that i have the biggest pull on things concerning me.

but what happened?

i had a major heartbreak and i was faced with the the reality of my responsibilities. that is probably what happened. that is probably the reason why things had their sudden turn around. it's so sad to think that whatever joy i have in my grasp now is, in one way or another, affected by the perception i have after life's challenges. those things made me fear the things life can give me. those heartaches made me hesitant to trust people, when i used to trust people easily and just forgets when they hurt me. those things planted paranoia in my head that no one can totally understand me. those things made me question the truth of what someone has done for me and what someone feels for me. those things messed up my beautiful view of the world. those things made me lazy and fat! those things made me distrust my ability to take on the world. those things made me hide in the dark.

as im writing this, my heart feels a crushing pain. i have been wanting to let it all out. but when? where? to whom?

It’s been more than a month of asking why.. of unknown questions with self-formulated answers.  He’s not coming back.. He will never be back. The years of being genuinely happy together ended with an unexpected blow. Life can really play on you in ways you can’t anticipate. One day you’re on your happiest then next, you’re hitting the sea floor.

I don’t know why I feel pessimistic this time when my mind thinks positively. I guess not all times will brain and heart go together.

It’s funny, people always look for love.  If not money, it’s always love. But the ironic part is, sometimes it strips you naked with pain. It will let you do the extremes of things you can never imagine you’ll ever do.

People are complicated. Life isn’t. if you think about it… people never get contented, I for one, is guilty of such. People get hurt because people hurt people. People love because it’s the same people who have made them feel it.  People kill because people are too greedy to share. People die so other people can be born. 

Whenever I think of the years to come, I always feel that dread. I guess I’m just afraid because it’s a total unknown that I sometimes want to find out what. But there’s always a part of me that cannot leave the comfort of the safety zone I built for myself.

Growing up, I never knew what it feels like having a father and that might be the reason why my design is s sturdy as this. I never asked for this, nor planned to be like this.  But whatever structure God made me, I know it’s because of the story he created for me. My life was not and isn’t easy, but never a dull moment. What’s in stored in the future? I don’t know. And again.. im too fearful to ponder on it. But whatever will be, will be. Im now God’s puppet and I happily give myself to Him.

"'Cause someday, someone's gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day, I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday"....

 i can still remember the time i cried for you; the time i felt so low that i havent reached your expectations; the time when i thought you're already mine but fate twisted it; the time when i felt i was punched right through the chest with you last words, our last conversation..

funny how i reminisce everything with a smile on my face and the feeling that i can still fully remember. this song exactly describes everything... everything i've felt when i was bitter.. the day i said "so what? someday...."... 

i can still remember the first time i saw your face. you were like a baby, an angel-looking guy who just passed by me. but you were tagging after your girlfriend! LOL! and well of course, how can i forget the girl's face? it has been 3 long years that i've watched you tag after the girl without knowing somebody gets very excited with just a glimpse of you. you were a dream, that's what i always call you. everybody knew who you were to me, except you...

then the day i was dreaming of came, you finally noticed me. you were all praises, how can you not have noticed me before with all your compliments?? seems weird. but it gave me an idea you were totally in love then when i was totally into you. well at least now i have your attention. and then life's humor turned on me; you finally noticed i existed! the picture is so clear.. still very clear.. you liked my facebook photo and evrything went into domino. 

when i was with you, seems like my whole life revolved around you, like literally. it felt like i was in heaven to be by your side, i didnt even notice people are wondering why and how come you and i are together. i got negative things about you from other people, and surely, you got a lot too about me. we were like children imagining things of the future; like children role playing our wants. how can i ever forget you strumming your guitar to my favorite RNB song. you really studied that well. and how can forget iyaz' replay?? your voice was so sweet that it felt like i was back on high school days, felt like a pretty little lady wooed by a handsome, sweet boy.

but i was never enough for you. i could never be perfect for you. i was never "she". i never had a perfect moment, was never even a "good" thing. you were a litlle devil as much as you are a little angel. there are things i cannot talk about when im with you. it's always you... you... you... and the bitterness you have with your mother's ex. the bitterness of the fact that she will never accept you because you are not a christian. but i could have! i was willing  to! yet it didnt matter to you. none of the things i was ready to accept about you mattered. 

we had lots and lots of dreams but all of them included revenge you were planning for your ex for breaking your heart. all of those dreams consisted of me being bait so your ex would finally notice you want to get back at her. what a lousy late realization on my part.

then the day my heart was bound to break came. i received flat texts with hints of sarcasm and intent to hurt. you said you wanted to talk to me, never minding if i was in the middle of a mass, YOU WANTED TO TALK. there are things that just couldnt be. i almost pleaded you to have faith in me. to believe me. to choose me. but i failed. so that was it. that was the 2 months paradise that came to an end. 

well somehow love wants me to learn something because i found out just WEEKS after, you were dating "her" again. the thickness of your face! you jsut didnt have the decency to date her away from me, you did it right in front of my very eyes! and who are you? who are you to cause me this much pain? who are you to make me believe love is not right for me unless i'd find another broken person who'd understand me enough to take me?? who are you?

well now, i can say im totally happy writing this. im finally over you. finally over your angel face. finally over your sweet voice. finally over your enticing dreams about us. im finally letting you go. letting you go back to her. :)

i stumbled upon this very heart warming article. enjoy. :)

 

Old Philosophical Story - Setting Your Priorities in Order

 

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and fills it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “YES”.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions. Things, that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.” he said.

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you...” he told them.

“So... pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Worship with your family. Play with your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Spend time with good friends. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled and said, “I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

now's the time

OK fine, so im hot-tempered, im insensitive at times, im opinionated and most of all im very self defensive. but despite all of those, i get hurt too. now the time has finally came. he had lost control and temper, everything bottled up inside him has exploded. i cant blame him. if i were him, i'd have blasted too a long time ago. i just cant believe it. it might be that i was just so lax thinking he has unlimited patience in  stored for be. i should have known better. im ready to face the consequences though. it's scary and embarrassing of course. you know, having a personality like mine, someone who doesn't want to lower down one's pride, will sometime lead you spiraling down as well. cant learn my lesson the easier way, then i'd have it the hard way (as always). oh my g*d, cant believ im writing something like this. i just want to let it out, i cant contain the discomfort and pain i feel right now. :(

working my ass off.

now it's another day at work. no more rest day until next week. oh how time flies by so fast, as what my boyfriend always says when he's about to go home leaving me here. huhu. but nevertheless, it's another day to count until we will see each other again.  im getting very emotional here. LOL. by the way, im just about to write what happened on my 2 days off from work.

well first day, i spent it at home just taking some rest and storing energy for next day's agenda. it feeeeels so good to stay home and just chill, eat, watch tv shows. basically just relax. i miss the feeling of staying at home without a heavy heart. i get to do what i want without being scared that somebody might suddenly just barge in to my room and tell me this and that. by the way, i think im getting mature enough and check if our refrigerator has something. LOL, couldnt be more proud! ha ha!

well going back, on the second day, i was so excited to get out of the house and have fun with friends and my boyfriend. i really miss the 2 constant people of my life, elmer and loie. finally, we had the chance to bond and you know, do the things we usually do before (but now, with an additional person, my boyfriend, whom i always tag with me wherever i go). i was so happy, life couldnt be more wonderful when you choose for it to be.

now, i cant wait for another time to be spent with them. of course, im a bit guilty because i dont really get to do same stuff with my family. but i'd sure find some other time and some other things with them. it's just a matter of balancing your time with the people you love. and most all, balancing your budget. hek hek. :p

anger management

so here i am trying to write something about a negative trait, which i wont deny having, anger management. i always feel guilty because whenever i get angry, i tend to hurt the people i love and who care for me most. :( i have had several spats with the people at home because i cant contain my anger and i really burst out whenever im hurt. the thing is, anybody can understand it happens but sometimes words are definitely something you can give without any luxury of getting back, and if somehow a person is hurt using words, the cut is deeper than any other physical wounds a person  can have. i believe im not evil by nature but the nature of how i was brought up and how i was exposed to people made me very very defensive that in times i get hurt, i attack without thinking. the price, sad to say, are the people closest to my heart. and i despise myself for that! it's a courage to admit i have this kind of problem but trying to change is another. im willing, very willing, but it's not easy. at all. :( i wish i could just sleep overnight and then the next day i already have that self control. :(