the pain of masking

ever had that feeling like your heart is crushing because of unexplainable pain? LOVE, we say is so overrated. well, atleast for us who've tasted a bit of how bitter and unsuccessful it is. but human as we are, no matter how much we wanna get away from it, it'll haunt us. LOVE follows. we may ever know, unconsciously we're already looking for it. we go out. we meet new people. we get reacquainted with the people we already know. all in the hope of creating a spark that could possibly, possibly, and heaven knows how much we want to positively, be real. we gamble. we let our guards down hoping that we could find happiness in a bit of a second that we share with someone. yes, temporarily we get that bliss. we get to have that smile. we get to say to ourselves "im definitely making a start". but when morning comes, when everything has passed by, when you're already alone, can you say that you still get a hold of the temporary happiness you were once holding? it's difficult. it's tiring. it's painful. it's painful to realize that the constant guarding that you've been doing has paid it's price. YOU. YOUR assurance.

and sometimes, no matter how much you try to stop yourself from crying, when nobody's around, tears just wont keep from falling. and it is then that you'll doubt if love is really for you. if ever that butterflies in your tummy would turn into something sweet and genuine.

it's a sad truth. sad mask. painful reality.

falling

someone introduces you to someone and then you constantly communicate like there'll be no tomorrow. you share things like you've known each other since childhood. you call each other names. you miss when you dont talk even for a day. but that's all. you were never really this and never really that. plainly freinds with obviously mutual feelings for each other but you both cant say it because you both dont know if the other feels the same. then all of a sudden everythng starts to slip away. the other starts to go away... 

i love LOVE. but the thought scares the hell out of me that i tend to go away before it even starts. im so good in creating one but the idea to being involved brings chills to my bones. i like him. i like him so much i cant find the courage to tell him that. i like so much i get jealous with the girls i introduce to him whom he find cute and pretty. i like him so much i miss talking to him. i like him but where is he now?

ATE AND WISHING TO DID NOT.

gahd i really have a problem with controlling myself when it comes to food!! i hate it when i always plan to cut down on foods then when i see mouthwatering ones, i suddenly seem like i have an amnesia or watever you call that. my weight is sooo depressing already. i want to go to the gym but my exam preparation wont let me. i mean, i still could but I NEVER WOULD. lol. i hate na myself. i hate na being malaman. grrr. WHAT SHOULD I DO?????

so, back to blogging.

it's been a very long while since my last blog. honestly, i miss writing. i misS pouring down my emotions into words. well, i was too busy with school works (and gimiks) to even bother. guess what? i finally graduated!! yeehooo! that was 3 months ago, but nevertheless, still overwhelming. now, the next problem is HOW TO PASS THE BOARD EXAM! :( my gahd! i've been out and about most of the time lately. i dont read as much as i should have and phase 1 of my review is nearly coming to an end. im already having mild anxiety going to moderate. oh my! every time we do rationalizations, i always feel sad afterward. no, i am not one of those with very low grades i presume, but honestly, my scores were not something my family would be proud of. that's the problem with showing them you can do good jobs and then suddenly you try to do things young people do and struggling to keep the family's expectations at the same time. gahd! i think i'll pill-binge if i'd fail the exam. (horrible hirrible thought!)

oh God help me.